there are certain concessions

dear Trevor,

there are certain concessions
i am willing to make.  this music
could be a voice speaking to anyone.
this is what the words said.

"i do not have a story
to tell.  in fact i have less
and less to even say to
you every day.  if it can
be simultaneously said that
i love you, then we will.
not disregard for your predicament,
a glass eye peering into
a funhouse mirror - nor
my tendency to tumble
headlong into disaster.
what this is is more or
less a declaration of love.
though i am sure you will
misunderstand even that.
which i am trying to make clear.
at some point i thought
my heart might burst.  this
is so restricted.  it still just
might.  what this is all to say is,
i did once.  when you were tired
and lay in bed all day i loved
you then.  when you jaundiced
and constantly hacked
and coughed and spit.
when your eyes dried up
in your head.  but this i
cannot stand.  your ridiculous
prattle, the posthumous dance,
your business of coming
and going."

i am sorry about your lip.  when you
were singing i fell in love with the pink
in your mouth.  i wanted my skin to match
so badly that now i look like the devil.

now i only want to be quiet, to hear you
sing again.  to generally keep as still as possible.
to speak of the human body and not
to speak of the human body.
things people die and are made of.

A

When identity is recognized

Drew,

When identity is recognized
illusory, then models become,
at best, bright and fleeting distractions.

So what are we to do with this
intelligence? How do we play this?
Perhaps a memory will prove luminescent:

The front door was open.

A breeze fled the outside, and, once, the existent electricity became my distant cousin. I had asked, dancing, the past evening for a storm to keep pleasant personalities constrained, but last night, arguments dropped from the tree inside my apartment. Each burst on impact and filled me, and perhaps you, with a lovely fragrance. You said, “Ethics aside, I’d still do it because it’s such a fun game. If I ever get caught, I’ll respect that.” Later, I was told that our party was very Russian.

I’m curious—which is more valuable: the above memory, or when I tell you, now, that my lip is cracked and bleeding?


Best,
T

Bless us being indolent

Dear Trevor,


Bless us being indolent. Savage
in the gentlest way.
Lied to about who we may be.
Surrounded by "no bluer was he than I,"
I'd like to remain how I am.

I have no model for this, distracted
as I am by the minutiae of our
apparent movement.
Memory.
Illusion of fine senses.
Illness that devours.

Things that are slow become beautiful. I'm not
saying this to hurt you. You dreamed it.
In your waking. Time flew by.
In your waking life, time dreamed it.
So we could do that with our sentences now.
We could love them. The way they.

A.